I Am Just...

I thought I was a grown up
Erring more than I could own up
Then thought I might be a kid
Who, inside an adult, hid

Then I thought I was a kid
Older, but less candid
Conditioned just to be nice
To both humans and mice

Then I thought I was my choices
Because conditioned is everyone
But in my head were voices
Against the mistakes I had done

These voices were beliefs and thoughts
But they were not in unison
And which one called the shots
Could be figured out by no-one

So I thought I was my feelings
That masqueraded as thoughts
But the feelings had no ceilings
And worked like evil bots

Bots not under control
Of mine or anyone else’s
And whatever was their role
They played it out in excess

Then I thought I was a brain
That created this thought train
Through the mechanism of feelings
Which were mad bots sans meanings

But these bots, I didn’t want them!
And these thoughts, I couldn’t sort them!
In fact, I always fought them
To make my mind less haunted!

In that case, am I my mind

Which goes through this endless grind
Due to external bots and voices
That influence all my choices?

But without feelings, the mind is what?
Without mind, the body is what?
For the body can’t be without the mind
Since “body-mind” is one, they find

So, I’m not a mind without feelings
Coz that basically means nothing
And I observe all my feelings
Which certainly means I’m something

So I’m no adult nor an infant
I’m neither choices nor voices
Neither beliefs and thoughts, nor feelings and bots
Neither a brain nor a thought train
Neither the mind nor on the grind
Neither the body nor anything shoddy
I am just …